Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
