i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize