Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
