dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
