He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
