obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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