Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
