I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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