if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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