When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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