I wish I could teleport
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My cat gives me a boner
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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