drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
