I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
