I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
