I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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