I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
