I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
