i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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