If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
