so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
