Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
