I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
