I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
