So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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