Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
