I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
