So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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