in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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