2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just puked most of my soul out..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
