Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
