dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
