I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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