do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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