Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
