Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
