Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
