It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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