If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
