If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
