just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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