I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
