Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
