Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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