oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
