Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
