If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
