so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize