If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
