New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
