You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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