It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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