Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What drink are we having for lunch?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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