you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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