in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
