Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
