My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
