people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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