I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
