I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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