You're earring is so big in my mouth
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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