i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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