mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
