Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
