Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
